Sin
by OthilaOdal
Summary: A sixteen year old Akito reminisces over her past with Shigure and how she's tempted to 'be a woman' when she's with him, while Shigure tries to yet again tempt her into letting go off the person her parents have brought her up to be.


**Author's Notes:** I haven't written anything in a really long time and here's the product of re-reading Fruits Basket and writing something after 3-4 years.  
>Akito, Shigure and Fruits Basket belong to Natsuki Takaya.<p>

**Sin**

Shigure sat there amusing himself with unknown thoughts in my presence. We had been silent for very long. I didn't want to talk and yet I didn't seem to want him to leave. So he stayed as I asked him to.

I sat with my back against the thin edge of the open fusuma doors. The twilight colored everything in a muted shade of purple.

This room holds memories. We have grown so much yet I still hold on to these little memories like they're the most precious things ever. Even at the age of sixteen those childhood memories are something I can't seem to get rid of. I know why I can't. Those memories are the only proof of my existence. I know back then I would believe that things will get better. I miss that person, that Akito, the Akito that was able to believe it when he told her that it would get better. He would whisper in my ear when I cried.

"Aki…it's going to be alright. I'm here, aren't I?"

He'd hold me and I'd let his warmth fill me up. But those were lies. Just bitter-sweet lies he'd tell me to make me feel better. True, he's still here. But what has changed, Shigure? Nothing. I'm still destined to die young, still not allowed to feel like a woman, still can't love or leave and I'm still afraid. Just look at me. What's there to love about me? What is it about me that would make someone want to stay with me, be around me, hold my hand, laugh with me, cry with me…..kill for me?

As much as I hate to admit it, slowly it dawned on me. Mother….Ren was always right. I have nothing.

"You're just a plain brat." She'd tell me. "You weren't even born the right gender, an improper heir to the clan and an improper God. You couldn't even be born right. What is about you that would make anyone stay?"

I had thought long and hard about that. What was it about me that would make anyone stay? There was nothing at all. I wasn't smart, good-looking, social, cheerful or funny. I was none of those things. I was just an ugly heart in an ugly body. But then I realized. I don't need to be any of that. I have the bonds. They will keep them with me. They're all I need anyways. The world outside the bonds is too cruel. Nothing good can come out of that world. All I need to do is do what I've known best. Hurt like no one else can. Scar like no one else can. I've had my share of scars and fears so I'm pretty sure I know how to use their fears against them. That'll make them stay. The fear of me is what'll make them obey me.

But what about Shigure? I never seem to understand what to do to make him stay. He just does whatever he wants. He's gentle with me. He's not like the others. They do as asked out of fear but what does he do it for? The way he treats me confuses me. He was always like this. Whispering caring words into my ears and then looking like I'm not even there. He always seems to be lost in his own thoughts. He always made me curious.

When we were younger I'd watch him for hours wondering what he was thinking. Even now that I'm sixteen the mystery hasn't been solved. I still want to know what he thinks of. I want to know him the most out of the entire Jyunishi. I want to know everything about him, not just his well-guarded fears.

He was sitting quite far off against the wall opposite to the fusuma doors leading to the gardens. I looked at him wondering if his expressions would but once betray him so I could tell what he was thinking. They didn't. He sat there with a smile on his face and a book in his hand. He stared at the spine of the book like it was ever so interesting. He suddenly perked his head up and looked right at me, right through me. His smile widened. I still wonder what he's thinking.

I tore my gaze away from him to my bed. Those blankets, they hold memories. When I was younger I'd cover myself up in them and pretend the world outside them didn't exist. It made me feel calm, like now I could be anyone. I could be Akito.

Once when I was eight I had allowed Shigure to come under the covers with me not to help me fall asleep but to share that little secret feeling. I wonder why it was only him I shared it with. My father once told me that my first few steps had been me walking from him to Shigure. He told me Shigure loved me very much and, even as a baby, I seemed to enjoy his presence. I guess that's why. I guess I always felt safe when it came to sharing with Shigure. I could let him see everything even though mother always said that if he knew how plain and pathetic I was he'd leave. He probably will leave. But still I'm transparent around him.

I remember ever so clearly lying there under the blankets with him.

"What's supposed to happen, Akito-san?" He had asked.

"Nothing." Yes I'm plain as the paper I write this on. "It's just…..can't you feel it, the world outside disappearing?"

He smiled at me, a fifteen year old boy in my bed under my covers.

"Ah but Akito-san, whenever I'm with you, the world around disappears anyway." He had said. "But yes these covers do make it easier to cut out all the distractions."

He had pulled me closer. I had felt his warm chest against my cheek. So warm I had wanted to sink inside of it.

"Akito-san, I read somewhere about girls and boys sleeping together when they love each other." He had said.

"Sleeping together?" I had asked. "But I always have company when I sleep. Does that mean I'm in love with everyone who helps me fall asleep?"

"This is different. It's a different type of love. You know, the sort of love where you want to kiss and hold hands and get married and have babies, that sort of thing."

"So what type of love do we have, Gure-chan?"

His smile had, for a second, flickered out and he had looked somewhat taken by surprise. But the smile had come back again like if I had blinked I wouldn't have known that it had been gone.

"I love you, Akito, the type where I want to hold hands and kiss you."

I had felt the blood in my cheeks. I hadn't understood why my reaction was that way or why it had suddenly gotten so much hotter under the covers but he had said things I didn't know what to feel about. It had felt as though my body was reacting completely on its own. I was scared. Not of him, I wasn't scared of him. I was scared that it might hurt to love someone, although I must admit I didn't know what loving someone like that really meant. The love he spoke of was outside the bonds. Everything outside the bonds is temporary. It's just the thought that this could be a dream. It might turn into nothing but a vague memory, that made me feel like I needed to hold him and turn to stone so we could be stuck in time forever and he could belong to me and I to him. Mature thoughts for an eight year old? Try being the head of the Sohma family and a bloody God at the same time. You'll grow at a fucking fast rate yourself.

"Do you love me like that Akito-san?" He had asked after a couple of moments of silence.

I had suddenly become very aware of his lips. I had meant to merely glance at them but I couldn't look away. They were a shade of peach, a very beautiful shade of peach. And what a lovely shape, such right amount of thickness and that smile, oh that enchanting smile.

I had nodded, my cheeks still red and the air still hot.

"Then perhaps we should kiss?"

"I'm not a girl, Shigure." I had panicked at the thought of those lips and at the thought of someone walking in and finding us. For some reason I had felt I shouldn't be doing this. Someone would get mad at me.

"Is that what she tells you?" He had asked. He referred to mother of course. "To me you look like a girl, Aki, and such a pretty little girl. No matter what Ren has told everyone, I know Aki is a girl. I've never once thought otherwise."

I had frozen. Pretty? Plain Akito is pretty? Clumsy plain brat Akito is pretty? Is he lying? Why would he lie? He's Shigure. He won't lie to me. He's the gentlest person after father. He wouldn't lie. But pretty? Why do I not believe it?

"So then Akito-san" he had said smile still plastered on his face. "Do you want us to kiss?"

I had been afraid of mother more than anything else at that moment. I wasn't allowed to be a girl. I couldn't be a girl. It was the wrong gender. I had to be a boy. I hadn't wanted to say no to him but at the same time I had wanted to get out of those covers and send him away. I had wanted it to be over as soon as possible. So I hesitantly perked my face up and kissed him on the cheek. He turned a shade of red. Even under the covers with little light I could see it, that heart-wrenching shade of red as his smile widened and his eyes softened.

"Not like that Akito-san" He had said. "Let me show you."

It was the weirdest feeling I had ever felt. I don't even know if I had liked it. He had moved his lips on mine, enclosed his lips around my lower lip, his eyes closed. It had felt wet and warm. His lips were so soft. I had suddenly felt the entire world even the covers disappear. It was just me and him together. I had sunk into it and shut my eyes learning from him. My ears and neck had gone hot. I hadn't known what to do so I had simply puckered my lips slightly. He had moved his on mine and I had felt as if he wouldn't let this be over.

But before we both could know and do anything, it had been over. The covers had brushed violently from over us and the air had gone cold. And his lips had, much to my disappointment, let go off of mine. I had opened my eyes to find my mother staring down at us. She hadn't been angry. She'd been furious. She had been the walking talking definition of the word 'rage'.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" she had yelled. She had yanked at my arm and pulled me up. Squatting to be at eye level with me she had asked, "What were you doing?"

I hadn't known what to say. I had frozen and my chest had felt white and cold like the warmth from just a second ago hadn't even existed. But it had and now I was paying for it. I had to pay for my moment of love for him. That was my proof that it wasn't a dream.

"Ren-sama-" Shigure had tried to interrupt.

"YOU! YOU DOG! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO STOP GIVING HIM IDEAS? HAVE YOU NO SHAME? HE IS A BOY! JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HAVE WOMEN DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ALLOWED TO DO SUCH LOW THINGS! AND HE'S SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN YOU. WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PEDOPHILE? "

The maids had come in at that point and mother had had Shigure thrown out. When everyone had gone, she had stared at me with such disgust.

"Don't you even for a second fool yourself." She had said. "He doesn't love you. He's simply a boy who has become of age. You were merely a tool to him to take out his lust. First you're born the wrong gender being nothing but a burden to everyone and then you can't even play your part? You're a waste of space…a waste of air…don't you fool yourself."

She had gotten up and slapped me across the face several times. I had found myself on my knees. Shigure hadn't been allowed to see me for two weeks after that. I had spent those two weeks thinking only about the feel of his lips on mine. Such a stubborn heart I have. Even after facing the consequences of a stolen kiss my heart doesn't learn. My heart still wants it, to feel like a girl in his arms, to sin with him.

I looked back at him. This time, thankfully, his expressions betrayed him. He looked curious.

"What?" I snapped at him.

"That should be my line, Akito-san." He casually replied, a smile spreading across his face. "I was wondering what you're thinking."

That should be my line, Shigure. That should've been my line since forever. I wondered what to say to him. We have never spoken about it. We've had a couple moments in the past where he made me feel like a blushing girl but we never spoke of those moments once they were gone.

"I was thinking about the book you gave me." I replied getting up and walking towards my bed. I wanted to be closer to those covers, pretend I was eight and relive that moment.

"Really? Did you like it?" He got up and walked towards me.

I found it weird that Shigure always seem to give me romance novels to read. I don't know what he wanted me to read them for but that's all he ever gave me besides a book about stars. Perhaps his lust has been acting up again. I hear however that he was quite popular with girls in high school, although he went to an all-boys school apparently girls seemed to find a way to get to him, and now that he's in college he's got more girls ready to be of service to him, whatever that means. At least, that's what mother keeps telling me.

"It's a little hard to believe." I told him. "But I enjoy fiction so I guess it was an okay read."

"Is the genre of my books alright for you?" He asked sitting himself down on my bed right in front of me.

What do I say? His books send me into a dream state. They make me wish to be that way with him, make me want to feel like a girl. When they speak of moments of love I wish more than anything else that we were both characters in the novel, lost in each other's arms.

"It's fine." I answered. His books seem to teach me things as well. They taught me things that men and women do together when in love. It's not as simple as he once put it. "Sleep together, hold hands, kiss and make babies". I mean, it is just that but so much more complicated than it sounds. Sleeping together itself is such a big deal. To allow a man to have all of me, inside out, what a scary thought. The first time I had read anything of the sort I had had to put the book down to calm my breathing and stop my cheeks from catching fire. On top of that, there was that weird feeling in my lower half. I had soaked myself in something I wasn't sure of. I didn't quite know what had happened to me but I had been swollen and wet and something inside me had wanted to feel what it was like to have a man inside me. And the more I thought of it the more I pictured myself with Shigure.

"Do you have trouble understanding things in the books?" He leaned slightly closer as he spoke. What was he trying to ask? I looked at him hoping against all hope that perhaps again his expression might betray him. But that's the thing about Shigure, his expression doesn't really betray him. You see what he's thinking when he wants you to see it.

"Ofcourse not." I replied trying to keep an air of confidence. "It's just a bunch of lovers. What's there to understand?"

He chuckled very slightly. A low knowing and slightly mocking kind of laugh. "Is that so?"

He teases. He always teases me. But I must persist. Firstly, I am really not as weak as I make myself look around him. And secondly, I can't have him think I'm plain. I'll play any and all his games as long as he doesn't think of me that way.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"It's just that Akito-san you've never really been with a man so I wonder sometimes if you fully understand what the characters say and feel. Unless, you have managed to find someone and he has managed to make you feel like a woman."

My cheeks went red. Shigure can have that effect on me. Mother is right I suppose, this man has no shame, a twenty-three year old man talking to a sixteen year old girl about such things. But when has age ever stopped Shigure? When did age ever stop me?

"In case you've forgotten, Shigure, I don't have any need to feel like a woman." I snapped back at him. "I understand, in the sense that I know what's going on. Besides that I have no interest in such things."

Did I mention that I learnt how to lie from Shigure? He is the best teacher when it comes to social politics. Watching him is what taught me how to smile at the people whom I hated and lie to them in their faces without letting it show. But then my fear is that the mentor will be able to see when I lie.

"Wow, Akito-san!" He marveled. "Such grown-up thoughts! You seemed to have skipped puberty and landed right into meno-pause."

Despite that being a direct tease at me, I chuckled. I couldn't help it. Usually I would try to hide my amusement but today it feels alright.

"Now then," he continued. "Looks like I've managed to break the ice. So tell me Akito-san, really honestly. Do you really not want to feel like a woman? Or is it that the consequences that scare you."

Have I mentioned that I'm transparent around him? I found weakness in that moment. I wanted more than anything to be myself, to stop these games I had grown so weary of. A life built on lies. Mother says atleast it'd be over soon. She's right. But that doesn't help me either. With such a short life why am I still not allowed to enjoy it? Why can I still not be alive? It's such a shame and such a waste of twenty-five years. Well sixteen down and nine to go. Great! It's going to be over. But that's it isn't it? That's the thought eating me away. I'll die full of regrets. I'll die alone. I'll die the Jade Emperor. I'll die God, not Akito. Akito will never exist. No one will know of her. No one will know how safe she felt in his arms under those covers. No one will know of Akito's dreams. The God will die and Akito will become another ode to silence.

Perhaps, I could tell him. Perhaps I could at least be fulfilled. But hold on. Am I using him? Is this my lust?

"Akito-san?" He brought me back to now. "What's the matter? Is everything okay?"

He had such concern in his eyes. It made me want to come clean of all my fears. He touched my cheek. I realized I had let a tear flow. Not good. Boys don't cry, Akito. I tried to pull back but he leaned further in, adjusting himself so that he'd be close to me. None of it matters. What does it matter if I use him? What does it matter? He was born for me, wasn't he? So why should I care? That's just it. I care. When it comes to any of the other in the Jyunishi, they fall in love I'm envious of their love. But when Shigure looks at women I'm envious of the women. Such envy, such madness, that feeling of wanting to rip their hair off consumes me. I can't stand it.

I'll use him. I'll use him and throw him away. I'll love this man and then I'll die. He'll get what he wants. And so will I. He is of the Jyunishi after all. However I treat him is my business alone. I don't deny wanting him. I've wanted him the most.

"Yes. It's fine." I replied. "Everything's fine."

"It doesn't seem fine. Did something happen with Ren?"

"Really Shigure, do you have to drag her into the conversation? Nothing happened. I was just thinking that's all."

"And I suppose if I ask what you were thinking you wouldn't tell me."

Yes I won't. I don't know how to explain it. He'd think of me as weak, a fragile person not worthy of being God.

"It really is none of your concern."

"Concern isn't the right word."

"Shigure, have you found a woman? Someone who can make you feel like a man."

"Yes of course. Long long ago."

I felt a pang in my heart. It ached so badly. I wanted to remain calm and not let the jealousy get the best of me but I'm really no good at self-control. My expression gave it away I'm sure. I raised my head and looked right at him, my face like I had tasted something awful.

"Really?" I raised my eyebrow. Why did I expect anything else of him? That dog! I'll break that woman. I'll break her and leave her to bleed. "Who is it?"

He smiled and leaned in, resting his hand on my face. The nerve on this guy is really something.

"It's you, ofcourse. Don't tell me you didn't know."

I felt the ground leave me, the room fall away and all I felt was the need, the need in my chest to want to be closer to his. It felt like my heart was about to break my ribs, tear my flesh open and dissolve into his chest. Only then would I be satisfied.

He moved closer taking my face in both his hands and resting himself on his knees.

"Shigure, I.."

"You're not allowed to be a woman, I know. But that doesn't seem to make me stop wanting. The feeling is still there isn't it? I've waited for you for so long. I've waited to be with you. It feels like I've waited forever. I want to be able to make you feel like a woman. You're the only woman I've wanted that for. Does that mean nothing in comparison to the laws you've been born into?"

"We'll get into trouble…..for so many reasons!"

"What reasons? That you're a man? Big joke. That you're so young? Perhaps we can keep quiet about this then. That you're God? Then use me as you feel fit, God."

How can he keep such a calm face and say things like that? When he says those things it strikes fear in my heart. I know I had been thinking along those lines as well but they were just thoughts. I'm scared of this. Thinking and actually doing are two very different things. But, 'use' him? Does he want me to 'use' him? I pulled myself away from him. I can't do this. I can't risk anything.

"Akito, I need you."

"Shigure, I'm afraid of this. It's wrong."

"It isn't….it's not wrong no matter how many times you tell yourself."

I stayed silent not knowing what to say or do.

"I want to steal you, take you away, Akito. These walls, these rooms and laws they're going to take you away from me. If we could just leave this behind, it would be so good."

"What're you saying, Shigure?" I felt the yearning in my eyes but my words seem so contradictory. It won't be good. It would be great. "I can't leave the Jyunishi. They were born for me. They're all mine, not just you. Don't be so selfish."

"They'll do fine without you."

I pushed him away from me. "Are you saying there's no reason for me to exist? Is that it, Shigure? I'm just a nobody?"

"Now now, when did I ever say that?" He seems like he wants me to understand something but I don't. I don't know what he's asking of me. "I just think you need to live."

"Contradictory to your beliefs, Shigure, I am living. And I'm contributing to something. I just had my first business meeting last week. I've made progress with the Sohma businesses at age sixteen. What have you got to show for your pitiful existence, eh?"

He sighed and hung his head low.

"Yes, you're doing alright." He finally said. "My bad for thinking you might want something more out of life than to be a mere pawn for a fettered tradition. If this is what you want then alright. I'll leave you to it."

He got up, made his way towards the door and stopped like he had forgotten something.

"Just so you know Akito-san. I have no intentions of losing you to these walls. I won't stand for it."

Why? Why couldn't he have just left? Why must he say those things? I got up and walked towards him. My legs seemed to be carrying me without any consent with my mind. What was I doing?

I grabbed his shirt as hard as my hands would allow. He turned to look at me, smiling.

"Beautiful Akito, what happened to feeling the world disappear?" He said "If this world we were born into doesn't disappear then you will. And whatever will I do then? What will I do without the woman I was born for?"

I wrapped my arms around his neck. He didn't return the favor. He stood there idly. I looked up at him begging silently for him to hold me and tell me that it's going to be alright. I need to hear those words from him once more so I can feel like somehow it will be.

"I can't just leave. I have a responsibility. Father wanted this for me. I was born for this. I can't be improper." Why am I telling him all this? He knows. He knows what I must do.

He leaned in and smiled at me, a hurtful smile.

"Whenever you want to finally let go…" His lips met mine. I was startled. I didn't expect him to do this. Hell, I didn't even realize I was that close to him. "….find me."

My arms fell limp and found there place beside me again. He kept his smile, turned around and left. The room became pitch black, but I wasn't aware. I wasn't aware of the room anymore. I realized I didn't need covers to feel the world disappear. I needed just him. His kiss could magically make everything seem so unimportant.

But it changes nothing. It's just another day in the Sohma house. Akito's voice has been silenced again by the voice of God.

I crawled into bed and held my covers. I love him. I love him with all my might. I love all his dreams for me. My tears flowed uncontrollably. It doesn't matter. I need to be God for father. I won't let go off of father for Shigure. Father is more important. Shigure is just a toy for me to play with and Akito is just an ode to silence.

I wiped my tears and got up. I had to be at another meeting today. I started getting dressed. Before I realized I found myself in the backseat of a car heading back from the meeting. I didn't know how it had gone. The only thing I was aware of was the feel of Shigure's lips on mine. The sin is all I could think of.

I watched her as she came back from her meeting. She wasn't aware of me. She wasn't aware of anything. I thought about what she had said. Responsibilities, is it? Responsibilities do not require for a young girl with such a short life to be fettered down, unable to find herself. She has so much promise, even without being a God or the leader of the Sohma clan. Akito has much to her than just that. When will she see how important it is to be alive?

This can't be the end of this. I refuse to lose her to this. She has dreams I know. I watched her grow up, I know her heart. And that look on her face whenever I make such comments. That look isn't a lie.

What Akito this Akito that? They're constantly treating the girl like royalty when in reality they've got her caged up in a false identity. She needs to see the world is bigger than the Sohma house. She needs to see that there are so many possibilities.

I'll find a way. If she has to learn it the hard way then so be it. If she can't let go off this all perfect person her father wanted her to be and the 'man' that her mother wants her to be then here's how it's played Akito-san. I can show you how cruel the world can be and yet how meaningful that cruelty is. I can show you how pointless the life they've created for you is. This is my sin for my love.

**Author's Notes:** Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
